Sunday, January 22, 2006

Checking In: Week Two in Review

This week I did my morning pages every day. I've been getting up at 5am and dedicating (at least) the first hour of my day to writing. I don't normally get up quite that early, but I've been finding it surprisingly easy. I actually look forward to it. This week I've felt my world begin to seriously open up. The writing began with a sense of absolute loss of control. I felt like I was driving a car much too fast down a icy, curvy road. I felt as though the bottom could fall out at any minute and lead to a serious crash.

But, at the same time there was something comforting about getting up so early, to the still-dark day, with the rest of the world still sleeping. I now have a habit that I am thorougly enjoying: get up, make coffee, go upstairs, wrap myself in a blanket...and write. As I open my journal pages and begin writing I feel warm and protected in a safe cocoon of soft yellow light.

Eventually, over the course of the week, the fear of an ugly spill receded and was replaced with a feeling like a flower in bloom. I've begun to feel my heart and chest open. I feel a flow of energy between myself and the world that, before, had been turned off. I was dying from the inside out, but now I feel life returning.

Originally I joined this group with a "secret" blog, one that the people I see on a day-to-day basis didn't know about. But this week I ratted myself out. I did it because I felt disjointed...and the purpose of doing the AW was supposed to be to gain a sense of wholeness. I felt like this Blue Dog blog was missing my history and my other blog was missing the present growth I am now experiencing. However, I'm glad I started a secret blog--because through it I was reminded of just how amazing the universe can be.

At first I was also unsure of where to write my morning pages--here or in my journal. I wasn't sure I would have time to write something everywhere. I was afraid that I'd feel even more disjointed if I tried. BUT--I've found great satisfaction in writing in my journal. So much so that I've already filled half of it! And I'm glad I'm using another space because most of what I write is horribly pathetic (but that's ok cuz no one's reading it!). This freedom to write "badly" is exactly what I needed. Sometimes I am amazed by the amount of pressure I am capable of putting on myself. My journal has offered an escape from that side of myself. And this blog--has offered me a community that I needed in a bad way.

I have to admit, I did not think that doing this would be as what-ever-it-is (what?--I can't think of the word--incredible, profound, healing) as it is. But I feel like I am busting wide open. Earlier in the week this scared the hell out of me. I was surprised by this. But it also was incredibly energizing. I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time, again, after so long of being in hibernation.

Somewhere along the lines this week there was a turning point. The fear turned into absolute relief that ANYTHING is possible! I think I was afraid that any change would have to come from acknowledging a negative and cutting it out of my life completely. I was afraid that the only choice was to throw it away instead of fixing it. I think I might have even been over-reacting. I don't need to drop out of school or get a divorce or move to another country for positive change to happen. But what I DO need is to create a space in myself that allows me to reach my highest potential--in marriage, in teaching, in writing, in art, in spirit, in LIFE.


Anonymous kat said...

yes, yes and YES!! :-)

and i see many more big YESes coming your way. woohoo!

6:41 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

this is just beautiful. i want to read this and reread know that there are other people out there who feel...thank you.
and i love how you say that you feel like you are protected in a cocoon of yellow light...there is a meditation that i do that involved feeling a yellow light like this. thank you for sharing this.

10:47 PM  
Blogger In Otter Space said...

Anne Lamott says in Bird By Bird that writing is like driving at night...we only have to see a couple of feet in front of us, we don't have to look any further than our headlights can see and yet amazingly we still arrive at our destination. Your MP writing experience sounds a lot like that.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Kara said...

blue dog - I loved reading this post and most especially the end where you said, "But what I DO need is to create a space in myself that allows me to reach my highest potential" Yes, yes!

10:42 PM  
Blogger Jen(nifer) said...

Utterly inspiring! :) Thank you for posting this! I am behind everyone a wee bit, but hope to get to where you are soon, your morning pages ritual sounds so wonderful, and I HATE getting out of bed!

See you next week!

6:03 PM  

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