Friday, March 03, 2006

rambling thoughts on my way back to normal.

Yesterday was my first real day out of the house in the past week. That's not counting the 2 doctor visits and the 4 hours of working at the gallery. Mind you, I don't normally spend much time at home--so a week of almost solid staying-at-home-time is almost unheard of for me and, well--I think it was a bit too much, but...

I successfully made it through my 8am class without crumbling into any coughing fits. My voice still sounded weird (high, thin, and cracking), but I was impressed by the amount of pity it drew from my students who sat sweetly and intently listening to me talk. Of course, that didn't last--about half way through the hour they reverted to their normal, relaxed, talkative selves. Needless to say, I survived. I also realized that I was feeling more guilty about canceling class than necessary. Freshman college students DO NOT MIND having an 8 am class cancelled. Silly me. As though this should come as a surprise! And I also realized, dang, I think I kinda missed them!

To be honest, I still felt like hell. But it just felt good to be out of my sweat pants and talking to people. Later on I went out to lunch with my husband and afterwards, even though my head felt like it was going to explode, I couldn't bring myself to go back home again. So I did something I don't do that often and went SHOPPING. Yes, I felt like I needed a pick-me-up and ended up finding a very cool green suit, a whispy fuscia shirt, a chocolatey brown pair of slacks, and 2 very comfortable but stylish shirts--all on sale. My professional side needed (needs) a boost to say the least. I went home tired beyond belief, but happy with my purchases.

I spent the first half of the night in a coughing fit, but this morning, when I woke up, the first thought that came to my mind was: "It's gone! Whatever it was--it's gone!" Weird. But it's true. The sickness seems to be gone. I'm still stuffy and congested and existing on DayQuil...but the worst of it is over. I celebrated this morning with more girlie activities and got a haircut and coloring today. And now--I'm a NEW WOMAN! Well, mostly. I look better anyway. And I definitely feel better.

Just in time to battle a leaky roof. Did I mention that I love being a renter? No, I mean that. The roof is leaking and even though that really sucks, it is NOT my responsibility. We shoveled it off and are hoping that will take care of it, but... I really kinda like this house...but it's old and I'm not sure I'd want to own it.

Let's see...what else? Oh I don't know. It's such a strange sensation to feel like I have a brain! It's almost the end of the week and I still haven't finished reading Chapter 8. I'm going to-- shortly. This chapter "speaks" to me--and I want to write more about it later. It feels like a lot happened in the past week...I mean, I feel like I missed out on a lot and as though I have a lot of catching up to do. But I am so grateful for missing out too. Is that weird to be grateful that I got sick? Yes, I'm sure it is. The thing is that I needed to be kicked on my ass to realize a few things about myself. I feel like, for a moment, I really lost control of my life. I want to start over. The life I was living before wasn't worth it. It was a life that made me sad and angry and depressed and confused. It was the kind of life that stole away my spirit and my self-confidence. Fuck it. I don't want that kind of life.

This one's better.

My husband just added The Bee Gees Love Songs album to my computer. Right now I'm listening to "Too Much Heaven." What is it about songs from childhood that feel so good as an adult? ooo-I love it.


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10:11 PM  
Blogger tess said...

Hooray!! Good to hear the yuck is gone! I hope you will be 100% any moment now. I don't think it's weird to feel grateful for being sick. I've been sick a lot in my life (less in recent years, thankfully) but I can honestly say that the periods of illness have taught me some very deep lessons. I hope you will cling to the changes you feel rising out of this period and begin to shape the new kind of life that you truly want. Take care, and enjoy your new "girly" additions! :)

12:40 AM  
Blogger megg said...

YAY!! I'm so glad that you are feeling better! It sounded like a bit of a metamorphosis phase - coming out of feeling bad and into a whole new woman - I am so happy for you. I hope that you find it easier and easier to live the life that you want to be living.

3:27 AM  
Blogger Vicki said...

I love your blue dog paintings -- I've seen them before...where?

Don't know what's going on with you...but hope you find normal...and when you do, let me know what it is. (I'd read on to find out, but I'm being pulled by a 3 year old - later)

10:05 AM  
Blogger Blue Dog said...

thank you tess and megg for your thoughts and words. i am so glad to have met you both.

vicki--i didn't paint the blue dog...although i wish i had! :) the artist's name is George Rodrigue. he's become pretty well known for his blue dog art. ps. i think "normal" is probably an everlasting search. :)-

10:53 AM  
Blogger Leah said...

actually, i think it's great to be grateful for being sick. i think sometimes our body breaks down because we need that down time to regroup.

i'm glad you're feelin a little better!!!

11:09 AM  

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